Janel Wish List

• Family

• 3 months of the year in Paris (March - May
• Weekly date night
• Improve relationship with Kendall

• Health
• Yoga 5x a week
• Lower cholesterol
• Run a 10k in 45 minutes
  
• Professional
• Try being an assistant professor at UNH
• Start a marketing analytics company
• Start an e-sports company
• Start a marketing podcast

Priorities in Life

1. Family health
2. Kids education
3. Family experiences
4. Company growth
5. Kids extra curricular
6. Retirement savings
7. Time with my parents
8. Personal learning
9. Civic contributions
10. Charitable contributions

Rome wasn't built in a day

We had an issue last night. Katie wasn't home at 6:00 and I started preparing dinner. To be clear, "starting dinner" really wasn't a plan but a specific task- cook steak.

As point of background, I have always hated cooking. Hated everything about it. I don't mind cleaning dishes (I actually like it). I wouldn't mind eating a pill if it took care of hunger/nutrition. So that means I have never been a good meal organizer. Add the complication of multiple food sensitivites/preferences (vegan, teenager, egg allergy) and you have exceeded my ability to conceptualize a well rounded dinner.

Back to yesterday. Katie arrived around 6:15. She seemed to be in a down mood already. We chatted as the steaks were prepared and she started preparing something. After the steaks were prepared, I said to Katie...OK now I need to accessorize....are you preparing the accessories? My intention was to determine if she was already tackling it and if not I was going to take care of it. She said she was.

Steaks were done and sitting there waiting for Katie to complete, which I fully intended to wait for her even if the steaks got cold. She encourages me to start eating the steaks. So I call the kids down. Katie serves the accessories for all the kids. We eat dinner, but she doesn't sit down for dinner with us (I guess because she is preparing more for herself).

Later, she admitted to being sad because we had poor communication about dinner, and that prevented her from sitting and eating with us. Admittedly, this is an area she had expressed concern about before, but she was really down and seemed to feel as though our whole relationship was a failure.

Now a few things about this:

• Rome wasn't built in a day. I can't change into someone perfect for her in just a couple of weeks. Yet she can't get down if one (I believe small) thing doesn't go right...and more importantly she can't believe the whole process is derailed because of this;
• I am not capable yet of managing a complete dinner. Much like Rome above, that will take time- and probably would need to be prioritized (see below)
• My focal point on improving our relationship is narrow. Maybe that's wrong, but I am focusing on things that we have been discussing. Please don't criticize me for things that aren't on the priority list;
• I was willing to wait before eating. Please don't tell us to eat and then be sad you didn't eat with us;

I recognize that because she has expressed similar "getting down" tendencies before, I too must forgive Katie for yesterday (pursuant to #1 and #3 above). 

Always take Mom's Side

It was our last night in Indonesia. We had gone to see the Cekak dance at Oluwata Temple. It was dark and our first restaurant choice hadn't worked out.

We were driving back to the hotel in Sanor, trying to decide what to eat for dinner.  It would be close to 9:00 when we returned.

The kids were tired and hungry. Didn't make for a good combination. Katie wanted a special dinner on the beach.

Kendall complained how she just wanted room service.

I told the kids, this is our last night, let's have the driver drop us off at the beach and have a nice last dinner at a scenic view.

Kendall replied "You always take Mom's side, never the kids side."

Too which Katie replied "No he doesn't take my side"

Kendall then replied, "MOM, he ALWAYS does."

This scene just goes to demonstrate that Katie's perception of my actions is different than my intention (trying to support her). Kendall clearly picks up on this.

Like a fish in water

Walker swimming in a pool by himself is perhaps one of the purest forms of happiness you can find. He can swim, twist, sink and blow bubbles for hours without distraction. When he surfaces and checks for who is around him, he smiles and gives a thumbs up.

We can exercise in the pool or be still. Either way he is content.

I am writing this in Indonesia and Walker has recently turned 16. This isn't a new discovery, previous trips to pools (Costa Rica, Antigua, etc.) have all proven this out.

The time has really past for us to build a pool. There just aren't enough years left with him in the house to make it worthwhile.

But we should always seek a way to allow him this momentary break from the distractions of life. It is good for him, and simply by watching, good for me.

5 Thoughts from Fortnite World Cup

I was blessed (and cursed) enough to take my son to the first ever Fortnite World Cup. Many millionaires were created from the winnings at this event. 16,000 people cheered for competitors from more than 20 countries.

Here are 5 takeaways from the World Cup:

• 3 days for a 46 year old man eating two meals of hamburgers and hot dogs is deadly. Please Epic Games, some healthy food alternatives. 
• eSports is the only sport where the players have deep interaction with their fans on a regular basis. From their many hours of live streaming, with fans chatting through Twitch, the pros are already well known not just for their gameplay but also for their personality. When they arrive at public events, they look at the fans not just as someone who wants a signature but as part of their family. These guys (kids!) are humble, personable and warm to their fans.
• The facility was air conditioned! Huge and unexpected for the venue. It made viewing very comfortable.
• eSports is VERY MUCH enjoyable as a live experience. Yes, the announcers might have been difficult to hear at times, but the passionate fan audience more than made up for that.

Summer patterns

Every summer, Kate has a tendency to blow up. It usually peaks right around the time of the junior regattta.

I believe the escalation is due to being pulled in too many directions. Unfortunately it all ends up blowing up on me.

I wish Kate could see the pattern that has developed over the years and make changes to prevent it from happening again.

Perhaps the biggest difference in how we look at things

I am always looking forward, looking at process and trends. I am usually not as concerned about fixing today's problem as I am about ensuring that today's problem doesn't recur in the future.

You are always looking at the now. That can be positive because you can enjoy the moment more than I can. But also prevents planning and avoiding disasters.

Productivity and Marriage

I've found that when Katie is in a bad spell, or indicates that our marriage is broken and needs work, that I become paralyzed. I no longer can concentrate or be productive at work. I tend to play more video games. I may even drink more alcohol during these periods (though not much more...don't get worked up over that). I tend not to want to exercise as much. Everything you might expect for depression.

Now this isn't Katie's problem. It is mine. I need to let Katie's mood not effect me. I need to be able to change my own mindset regardless of what attacks might come my way.

Unfortunately, for decades I have tied my idea of success with:

1. Staying married
2. Staying financially responsible

Right now it seems like both of those are under threat. So this puts me in a deeper state of paralysis.

Priorities

We have enough money for a lot of things. But we don't have enough money for everything. We need to prioritize how we spend our money. Whims end up wasting money and don't give the satisfaction we hope and need.

The same thing goes with time. We can't keep dividing our time among more and more things. We need to prioritize the use of our time. My priorities at this season of my life might be:

1) Family
2) Work
3) Friends

Season for everything

I recently heard someone talk about his perspective of life as seasons. There is a season for everything, and certain things can be done in summer that can't be done in winter.

Right now, with kids in high school and middle school. I am in the season of ensuring our kids grow up to be well adjusted, self sufficient participants in society.

That means that I may not be able to fully engage/nurture:

• My friends
• My wife
• My self

Don't get me wrong, I won't ignore any of these. But right now the stresses of maintaining a strong family dynamic and continued development of the kids means that I won't be at my best for these other areas of my life.

This is a sacrifice, but one that I know is both temporary and was was not a surprise. 

Positiving vs. Responsibility

I have a very hard time finding balance between maintaining a positive outlook (particularly related to finances) and being responsible with my decision making.

I very much believe in risk management. I also believe in the importance of forecasting and managing against forecasts.

I can understand that there can be a perception that making decisions and planning based on what is forecasted to be a weak environment can be perceived as "not being positive." But what happens if you don't properly plan and manage, and that weak forecast becomes a reality? In that scenario, you have dug a much deeper hole for yourself by not taking early action. If you had reduce your lifestyle by 10% for a one year period by taking early action, you would need to reduce your lifestyle by 20% if you wait six months before making changes based on reality. The difference between adjusting 10% and 20% can be significant and truly painful, as many costs are "fixed" and cannot be adjusted.

But let's assume that you manage based on a weak forecast, but the reality becomes stronger than expected. In that case, while you may have reduced your lifestyle in the short term some percentage, you are able to immediately increase your lifestyle back to at the very minimum previous levels.

Behavioral Change

Behavioral change takes time. It is not something that can happen overnight, or within a week, or a month. A year is a more likely scenario.

When you are trying to affect change, it is important to recognize that missteps will be made. That doesn't mean that the attempt to change failed, it just means that it isn't complete yet.

So if I am trying to have a more positive outlook on life, please don't believe that having one bad day means that I haven't made any progress.